Humiliation - noun - 1. state of disgrace or loss of self-respect ; 2. strong feelings of embarrassment 3. an instance in which you are caused to lose your prestige or self-respect; 4. depriving one of self-esteem
Humiliation is real and it hurts deeply, almost as deep as death. Only this death is that of self-respect and self-esteem. It runs to the core of your body and makes you question everything that you have said or done over the course of your life.
Yesterday humiliation and I became best friends. This humiliation came in the form of being branded as a thief. I have never stolen anything in my life, but today I felt like the lowest of low in the human race. Nothing has touched me so deeply as the actions of what happened to me.
Last week my neighbors daughter and son in law approached me and wanted to know if I would be interested in picking the tomatoes off the patch as they were not going to be canning them this year. They had done an inventory of their food storage and would not need them this year as they had thought. Of course I said yes as I was getting ready to buy a few boxes to bring my inventory up to what I keep it each year. This seemed like a God sent to me as the financial funds are a little meager this year and it would save me having to dip into it. How thankful I was that Heavenly Father had heard my plea and opened the door for my food storage dilemma.
We took a bucket and filled it rather quickly. Jody said that we could have all of them and asked us to bring over more buckets so we got three more and filled them. Man was this great. Upon leaving, Jody and Craig both told us to watch the patch and pick them as they ripened. I asked both of them if they were sure they would not need them and both assured me again that they were not going to use the tomatoes and did not want them to waste. By this time my heart is full and I know my prayers have been answered.
This was on a Saturday and by Monday the buckets of tomatoes were ready for canning. I started sorting the riper ones from the not so ready ones and began canning tomato soup for our winter supply. On Wednesday I noticed that there were many ripened fruits that needed to be picked, so I took my bucket and got another bucket full. Thursday came and the first group was ripened and ready to process. This gave me a total 53 pints of the most delicious soup for our winter enjoyment. By this time I was on cloud nine and so full of thankfulness to my sweet neighbors.
Today was Monday, October 18th, and I knew that there would be more tomatoes that needed picking, so I took two buckets and filled them. As I was finishing filling the last bucket, my elderly neighbor and owner of the patch, came out and very sternly told me that I was not to pick any tomatoes off her patch and proceeded to go through my buckets and took out all the ripest tomatoes and put them in a sack leaving me with only one bucket. I very politely told her that she could have both buckets and I would bring over the ripened ones that needed to be canned today. She told me to take my buckets and keep them and also the ones that were at my house. I was fine with that. It was what was said next that hurt.
This lady insomuch as accused me of stealing her tomatoes and told me that because I had taken all of hers she would have to go to the store and buy tomatoes as they eat them 24 hours a day. She proceeded to tell me that she had spent $75 on plants and was not going to do be able to can spaghetti sauce as she had planned because I picked all the ripe ones and there would not be any more ripening because the weather was getting to cold at night.
By this time I was totally humiliated at the thought of being branded a thief. I tried to explain to her that her daughter told me to keep them picked so they would not go to waste, as the family was not going to can tomatoes this year. She sternly told me that they were going to can, but now with my taking them there were not enough to do anything with. I apologized for the misunderstanding, took my buckets and went home.
I found my ward directory and called Craig and Jody leaving a message regarding the tomatoes and asked them to please come to my house and get them. By the time I finished my message and apologized for the misunderstanding, my emotions were overflowing and tears were running down my face. I was totally and completely humiliated for my actions and now could see the flashing, blinking light above my head reading “THIEF” in bright red letters.
I made my way to my bed and laid down for a few minutes to try to gain composure. I heard the doorbell ring and there stood Craig. He came in and between my sobs I apologized for picking the tomatoes and asked for his forgiveness for my misunderstanding about keeping the ripe ones picked. He told me that the misunderstanding was not on my part but his mother in law’s. He reassured me that it was okay for me to pick them and they were NOT going to use them. He told me everything was okay and that he would talk with Jody’s mom and let her know what they had told me. He left and I was just staring at those tomatoes wondering just what to do now.
Needless to say, I could not bottle the tomatoes because mainly #1 I could not see through the tears that constantly flowed all day, and #2 just could not bear the fact of every time I touched one of those red beauties of being reminded that I was a thief.
Humiliation hurts and hurts deep. My prayers all day yesterday were concerning my actions and words spoken to those that I come in contact with daily. I kept thinking am I Christ like in my actions, are my words like a hot knife cutting through butter or are they soft and reflect a Christ like mannerism, how am I living to show that I do have Christ like qualities. I truly re-evaluated my life and hope that I am living according to the plan my Father in Heaven has set for me.
