My Gethsemane

During life we are dealt many trials and heartache.  Some are small and easy to overcome while others are severe and takes our souls to the very depths of despair.  How we handle those trials can be referred as our gethsemanes. 


My gethsemane took me down a road of despair for over 18 months and each day grew harder and harder to piece life together.  It started in August of 2013 when my father went into surgery to have a valve replace in his heart.  He suffered three different strokes and finally passed away in the evening of October 2, 2013.  My life was shattered into a million pieces and I thought to myself that life was so unfair and all I wanted was to have my Dad hold me tight and let me know that all would be okay.  That did not happen and things were not okay.

Dick and I moved from Arizona after the funeral and put all our belongings into storage and lived with Mom as she could not be alone at that time.  All we had was a bedroom that contained one chair, our bedroom furniture and our television.  Life was very hard as I missed my things and I needed to have something that was mine.  Each day we were reminded that the house was not ours and we did not belong.  We were just visitors without a home.  

Tears flowed frequently over the slightest things.  One day the tears lasted for 14 1/2 hours and I felt like my soul was so spent and lost.  I could not find comfort in prayer or pleading supplications to my Heavenly Father.  My soul felt bitterness and resentment to those that tried to love me.  I was just pushing them farther away.

I became very tired and was so worn out from trying to please and take care of everyone around me.  I neglected my soul and did not delight in much.  Resentment toward my situation became my crutch.  I was bitter that my things were sitting in storage getting ruined.  I was bitter because my branch family didn’t want anything to do with me.  I was bitter that there was hate and contention between Dick and Mom.  I was bitter that my siblings were causing so much trouble and accusing Dick and I of things that were untrue.  I was bitter about their lies and their uncaring ways.  I was just downright bitter.

Over the course of the next 18 months I tried to find the good in this situation but it was hard.  Dick and I drifted farther and farther apart and finally I could not take it any longer.  We just could not communicate with one another without being negative toward each other.  He could not find kindness in his heart toward my mother and she had the same feeling toward him.  This just put a huge wedge in my heart.  In October of 2014 I told him I was leaving and he could either stay or go with me.  He talked me into staying as we had promised Derek that if he passed his advancement test, we would take care of Kelly and the kids should he be deployed.  His test results would not be in until the end of November.  I calmed down and agreed to wait until Derek found out.  Needless to say he did not get his advancement as he had hoped for.

In December  we decided to go to Arizona to spend Christmas with Brook and her family.  We went to storage the second week of December and got our luggage and as in the past everything was just fine.  We spent three weeks with Brook then returned back to Utah.  We took the luggage back to storage the third week of January and things were not right with our storage unit.  I insisted that someone had been in there.  Dick insisted that no one could have gotten in as we had locks that were tamper proof.  The unit was a mess with boxes everywhere.  He insisted that the boxes just broke down from being in storage for all those months.  We got it cleaned up and went on with our lives….me insisting someone broke in and him insisting differently.

It was decided that we would move back to Arizona and arrangements were made to rent a beautiful home.  We left the last week of March to sign the lease and get the utilities hooked up.  Before leaving, I went to storage to get my vacuum so I could clean the home before moving our things in.  The vacuum was not where I had thought it was.  Figuring that Dick had put it behind a cabinet, I just went on my way and thought nothing of it.

We came back to Utah to finish packing and to get ready for the final move.  On April 10th we loaded our UHaul truck with all our things from the storage unit.  When the truck was loaded I asked if anyone had seen the vacuum.  No one could remember seeing it.  Now I was beginning to wonder some more about things.

We got to Arizona and unloaded the truck.  I began to notice that there were furniture pieces missing along with some wall hangings.  When it came time to unpack the kitchen boxes most of them were not there.  Monday brought much heartache as the boxes were unpacked and appliances, cookware, dishes and utensils were gone.  There was very little left.  It was at this point that Dick agreed with me that someone had broken into our unit and taken a good portion of our items.  I lost items that can’t be replaced.  How do you put a value on items that are filled with sentimental emotions?  How do you put a value on something that was made by the hands of your loved ones or yourself?   

This gethsemane that I have lived with for the last 19 months has just about broken my soul to depths that are hard to comprehend.  I have ruined lives by doing what I thought was best.  I have ruined relationships between me and my family.  I have lost faith in mankind.  I have been violated and ache for my stolen items.  

I keep thinking….”if only”.  Those “if only’s” can’t and won’t happen.  I have to forget and forgive.  My heart has to be cleansed from the hurtful feelings that have taken residence within.  I have to turn to my Father in Heaven and beg for forgiveness for thinking He forgot about me.   I have to pick myself up, shake myself off, hold my head high and walk in the light.  My gethsemane is no more.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.