During life
we are dealt many trials and heartache. Some are small and easy to overcome
while others are severe and takes our souls to the very depths of despair. How
we handle those trials can be referred as our gethsemanes.
My gethsemane took me down a road of
despair for over 18 months and each day grew harder and harder to piece
life together. It started in August of 2013 when my father went into surgery to
have a valve replace in his heart. He suffered three different strokes and
finally passed away in the evening of October 2, 2013. My life was shattered
into a million pieces and I thought to myself that life was so unfair and all I
wanted was to have my Dad hold me tight and let me know that all would be okay.
That did not happen and things were not okay.
Dick and I moved from Arizona after
the funeral and put all our belongings into storage and lived with Mom as she
could not be alone at that time. All we had was a bedroom that contained one
chair, our bedroom furniture and our television. Life was very hard as I missed
my things and I needed to have something that was mine. Each day we were
reminded that the house was not ours and we did not belong. We were just
visitors without a home.
Tears flowed frequently over the
slightest things. One day the tears lasted for 14 1/2 hours and I felt like my
soul was so spent and lost. I could not find comfort in prayer or pleading
supplications to my Heavenly Father. My soul felt bitterness and resentment to
those that tried to love me. I was just pushing them farther
away.
I became very tired and was so worn
out from trying to please and take care of everyone around me. I neglected my
soul and did not delight in much. Resentment toward my situation became my
crutch. I was bitter that my things were sitting in storage getting ruined. I
was bitter because my branch family didn’t want anything to do with me. I was
bitter that there was hate and contention between Dick and Mom. I was bitter
that my siblings were causing so much trouble and accusing Dick and I of things
that were untrue. I was bitter about their lies and their uncaring ways. I was
just downright bitter.
Over the course of the next 18 months
I tried to find the good in this situation but it was hard. Dick and I drifted
farther and farther apart and finally I could not take it any longer. We just
could not communicate with one another without being negative toward each
other. He could not find kindness in his heart toward my mother and she had the
same feeling toward him. This just put a huge wedge in my heart. In October of
2014 I told him I was leaving and he could either stay or go with me. He talked
me into staying as we had promised Derek that if he passed his advancement test,
we would take care of Kelly and the kids should he be deployed. His test
results would not be in until the end of November. I calmed down and agreed to
wait until Derek found out. Needless to say he did not get his advancement as
he had hoped for.
In December we decided to go to
Arizona to spend Christmas with Brook and her family. We went to storage the
second week of December and got our luggage and as in the past everything was
just fine. We spent three weeks with Brook then returned back to Utah. We took
the luggage back to storage the third week of January and things were not right
with our storage unit. I insisted that someone had been in there. Dick
insisted that no one could have gotten in as we had locks that were tamper
proof. The unit was a mess with boxes everywhere. He insisted that the boxes
just broke down from being in storage for all those months. We got it cleaned
up and went on with our lives….me insisting someone broke in and him insisting
differently.
It was decided that we would move
back to Arizona and arrangements were made to rent a beautiful home. We left
the last week of March to sign the lease and get the utilities hooked
up. Before leaving, I went to storage to get my vacuum so I could clean the
home before moving our things in. The vacuum was not where I had thought it
was. Figuring that Dick had put it behind a cabinet, I just went on my way and
thought nothing of it.
We came back to Utah to finish
packing and to get ready for the final move. On April 10th we loaded our UHaul
truck with all our things from the storage unit. When the truck was loaded I
asked if anyone had seen the vacuum. No one could remember seeing it. Now I
was beginning to wonder some more about things.
We got to Arizona and unloaded the
truck. I began to notice that there were furniture pieces missing along with
some wall hangings. When it came time to unpack the kitchen boxes most of them
were not there. Monday brought much heartache as the boxes were unpacked and
appliances, cookware, dishes and utensils were gone. There was very little
left. It was at this point that Dick agreed with me that someone had broken
into our unit and taken a good portion of our items. I lost items that can’t be
replaced. How do you put a value on items that are filled with sentimental
emotions? How do you put a value on something that was made by the hands of
your loved ones or yourself?
This gethsemane that I have lived
with for the last 19 months has just about broken my soul to depths that are
hard to comprehend. I have ruined lives by doing what I thought was best. I
have ruined relationships between me and my family. I have lost faith in
mankind. I have been violated and ache for my stolen items.
I keep thinking….”if only”. Those
“if only’s” can’t and won’t happen. I have to forget and forgive. My heart has
to be cleansed from the hurtful feelings that have taken residence within. I
have to turn to my Father in Heaven and beg for forgiveness for thinking He
forgot about me. I have to pick myself up, shake myself off, hold my head high
and walk in the light. My gethsemane is no more. Today is the first day of the
rest of my life.
Josephine's Secret
12 years ago
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